What You Cling To
5:30 am prayer, meditation, and a yawning sun salutation.
Today’s Meditation: Prayer as a negotiation on sacrifice.
I sit in the front yard after the night's rain, grounding my feet with a book and a cup of tea. (until Zoe taps on the window & waves)
Sometimes, I feel encased, surrounded by tsunami walls of passionless routine, and I can’t see the world—I can’t see myself, and I can’t breathe, and I can’t see the sky or feel the sun, and I am both dry and wet with mist from the mundane. I lost myself in roles for a few years. Life (or at least mine) ought to be a serene path of tenderness, fervor, and gratefulness.
I bought myself peonies because I want romance.
I grabbed my things from the school. This was the last time I walked these halls as an employee. For the last few years, teaching has felt like what I’d imagine it was like to build a pyramid: rousing the workers to labor for righteousness while the system points to the heavens with a corporate finger, gleaming with the power to validate or vilify. Do what’s best for the students. And We’re a community are coded phrases to conciliate the overworked and compliant. I am grateful for this school. I am grateful to be done. Yikes!
“You only lose what you cling to.” —(possible) Buddhist quote.
Today’s Reflection: Depression is living with death rattling around in your chest and your mind, and when your belly is glutted with the bitterness of hopelessness, it leaks from your eyes and erupts out of your mouth.
Today was heavy in lessons and growth.
The night outside is settled and silent. I am settled and silent, rediscovering myself and trying to befriend like-minded folk. But social awkwardness… I watch the kids create safe villages before society adds complicated barriers. “Hi, I’m Zoe. You like climbing and rootwork. Let’s be friends.”
Everyone is problematic to a cause.
Everyone is a hero to a cause.
Warm water & lime.
With all my heart…Té
